Doomday: The governments have let us down on this emotional day

It saddens me to see the lukewarm response to Doomsday by authorities around the world. One would have expected declaration of public holidays, advances and gifts to public, say, in form of announcements of tax holidays, or any other gesture that would have shown that our governments were concerned about our existence. But no. Not a finger was raised by them to mark what we all knew to be the only possible day when a spectacular end might come.

That the world did not end, and will not end so soon, is not the point. What matters is the gesture, the show of empathy towards citizens, which was, as I said, totally missing.

Here is a list of people who really let the world down on 21^st December 2012 – let it be on record for ever:

1. The national governments. The politicians respond to all silly emotions of every little group or vote-banks. But where all humanity was involved, what did they do? Nothing. Not a whimper of ‘See you there’, ‘Hope you reach heaven safely’, ‘Happy after-life’ or any such message came from any PM or Prez. What faith will I now have in their Happy Christmas and Happy New Year messages now?
2. The United Nations. What is the UN there for? Beats me. Created after the World War to see to it that the world is safe and united, the body does bloody nothing when there is a possibility of a crisis. It behaved exactly how it is shown to behave in all Hollywood apocalypse movies – with total apathy. Again, it is no use arguing that they did not believe in the prophesy. The entire point is, and I will repeat that any number of times, to show solidarity, and not to do anything. In any case, had a real calamity stuck mankind, UN would have been the last agency to be able to do anything about it.
3. The US president. Shedding croc tears on the mass killings in a school, and not doing anything about the gun laws is about as much as the guy can do. What was he expecting – if the world had ended, was he planning to shed tears after the event? In heaven? I believe a short statement assuring the Americans that he will be with them when the world ends, would have been in correct taste.
4. The celebrities and the rock stars. Although the end of the world would have hurt the prospects of the page 3 crowd much more than the others, given the fact that this sad lot would have ended up in hell, it is still no excuse for not planning an apocalypse road-show or concert. At least such a concert would have helped us thank destiny for saving us from the celebs.
5. NASA. For the last few days NASA is basking in undeserved glory, issuing statements running down the prophets of doom. So much of free publicity that body got, and not a sign of thankfulness. It can still issue a gentle reminder that all hope/nightmare is not lost and that the world still sits on nuclear stockpiles, rising temperatures, climate imbalances and acute inequalities – any of which can prove fatal for the blue planet any time.

Anyway, the world has become immune to the insensitivity of the governments and spouses. In the morning it was breakfast as usual, and not ‘Love, let us have something special today, for it might be our last day together.’ Not in the sense of celebration, let me correct the notion, but in a sensitive, emotional sort of way.

What we can do is celebrate another long stretch of modern living that we are doomed to have, by passing snide comments and berating our pet hates. Which, alert readers would have noticed, is what I just did in this article. I feel much lighter. It’s your turn now.

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Post Doomsday: be prepared for the worst

So you messed up by believing in the doomsday and did not go to office. What? You also used some choicest language with your boss, when he called you up?

Although D-day is still a couple of days from now, for me it is time to prepare some excuses for you for 22^nd.

And no, it does not make me any the less believer than any of you, but, unlike the other preppers, I am preparing for life (not death) post 21^st.

So here goes the first, and tentative, list of excuses for the boss for 22^nd:

1. Ha, ha. I did peck you up on a depressing day, didn’t I?
2. I was told by my astrologer to misbehave with the person I respected most. He said going against your instincts is the only way to ward off disaster. I think it worked.

Anyway, the exact phrasing of the excuses will depend on what you had said, but the basic idea is to appeal through emotions or humor, whichever is your strong point.

Now that the Mayan calendar will be out of the way, the soothsayers will have to go back to Nostradamus or Nibiru. Business as usual. Do you believe that they would be remorseful, and change their ways? Not a chance. Do you feel they would hide in the Andes, fly from the public wrath? No. They would be saying something like – “I told you so. It was all bogus. I know the world is going to end NEXT APRIL….”

Coming to life in general, give a thought to the empty coffers and hangovers on 22^nd. No use blaming the Mayans – one, they are not around, and second, they never predicted anything. Only one of their calendars ended on a particular date. It is like, on 31^st our calendars end, so we should assume that the world will end that day. Right?

Life will go on with its pollution, inequality, misery, insensitivity and with threat to everything that is nice and wholesome. The end will come, eventually, but it will be a slow and painful end. Hopefully the end is still some centuries away. The way to prepare for life is to create a cocoon of happiness around you, and hope sufficient number of like-minded people will gravitate towards you and create a small biosphere of goodness.

Anyway, to cheer you gloomy lot up, here are some D-day jokes that I thought of, posted on the FB, and nobody noticed.

Doomsday mini questionnaire:
With whom would you like to spend your Doomsday?
a) Spouse – so that you don’t feel any difference
b) Boss – to tell him some facts of life
c) TV – committed till the end
d) Alone – to think of things not done

 

What would you do on Doomsday?
a) Check bank account
b) Update fb status
c) Tweet your feelings
d) Pray

The last Tweets–
Indian: Did Sachin retire?
Israeli: The Arabs are doing this
Pakistani: Did we do that?@#$

On reaching heaven, the first words–
Indian asks God: Did you get all the sweets I used to offer? (No harm reminding Him of the investment.)
Arab asks the Houri: Why are you not wearing a Burqa?
American: Where’s the beach?
Israeli: Where are the Palestinians living?
Bush: Where is Saddam?
Osama: Where is Obama?
Bill Gates: What’s Steve (Jobs) upto?

 

Reading such horrendous jokes makes you wonder whether doomsday was really such a bad idea, doesn’t it? Weeeelllll, you do have a point there.

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Doomsday: The endgame

With great expectations, or let us say, apprehension (for we must be politically correct at all times) the world approaches an important date – 21^st December 2012. Not only is the reputation of Mayan calendar makers at stake, the credibility of the entire astrology-soothsayer-spiritual-celebrity complex is under the spotlight. They have thrown their weight behind the doomsday, and would rather die than see it fail.

Everyone is suspicious of the solar system, but I wonder why. It has served us well during our short history. It has been around for millions of years, and yet, many of us feel it is unstable and will spring a surprise on us one of these days. On 21^st of this month, for instance.

Some speak of mysterious planet/s, some of solar flares. No one really believes the gobbledygook of the astrophysicists and scientists, who, frankly, believe in nothing. No one trusts their multi-million dollar telescopes. They may claim to see galaxies billions of light years away with their telescopes and by calculating the red-shifts and what not, but we feel they are most likely to miss planets in our neighborhood.

Our suspicion also falls on the earth’s crust, and its faults. It has the ability to conjure up quakes and tsunamis at will, and behaves like a spoilt child at times. But does it have the firepower to totally self-destruct?

I personally feel we humans possess the power to cause a lot of damage to ourselves. But are we on a verge of collective madness?

Disease and pestilence, those biblical scourges, also operate pretty effectively in short run. Before it is tamed, an infectious germ can cause a lot of damage. Diseases are not glamorous, and definitely not Hollywood material, but you never know with medical science. People never really had too much faith in the doctors knowing much – and it is not surprising that most people now rely on google for diagnosis. The point is, that if a sudden and new strain of viral/bacterial infection starts to afflict the world, the doctors and the patients would waste their time googling for cure, and by the time the authorities get down to funding the actual research, it might be too late.

But UFOs are the most likely agents for an unlikely end, in my humble opinion. Consider the facts- aliens do not love us, and may have extraordinary weapons. They may even want to clear the planet for occupation, like some people did with the red-Indians.

And when I say facts, I mean facts. Can anyone seriously say aliens love us? Even if you disregard movies like ‘Aliens’, in which we can clearly see them exhibiting a great degree of hostility against us, do you have any proof that they love us? If they did, would they not have extended a hand of friendship? Would they not be watching our movies and complaining that they are not as bad as they are shown in the movies?

No, I must say it like it is – the aliens do not have our best interests in their hearts, and can cause mischief on 21^st December. In fact that was the intelligence that the Mayan Secret Service must have gathered, and that is where we must guard ourselves.

So, let us take out our tents, and our binoculars, and our shotguns. And let us light a fire, and have some coffee and wait for the @#$%^&. And yes, I almost forgot, since we will be on a vigil to save the world, let us apply for a holiday for the rest of the month.

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Doomsday scenario: What could have been…

I saw the following news item today (26^th October, 2012):

Guatemala’s Mayan people accused the government and tour groups on Wednesday of perpetuating the myth that their calendar foresees the imminent end of the world for monetary gain.

“We are speaking out against deceit, lies and twisting of the truth, and turning us into folklore-for-profit. They are not telling the truth about time cycles,” charged Felipe Gomez, leader of the Maya alliance Oxlaljuj Ajpop.

My first reaction was – “Et tu Mayans, then fall doomsday.”

But does one really need to be that pessimistic?

I fear one does. (Warning: Those who did not pay taxes this year, and those who have purchased costly Doomsday kits are not likely to find this article amusing.)

The doomsday is every-day, like mothers’ day, for we are dying every day – of cancer and pollution and terror and apathy. As on date, a one-off climax seems unlikely.

A shame really, for it could have ended a number of things at one go – like – religious hatred, dependence on petroleum, global warming, celebrity news, politicians in general and Obama-Romney election campaign in particular.

The suspicious characters snooping around my blog (see earlier posts on the subject), seem to have changed jobs. Or else they now know that I too am clueless, and are snooping around Assange now. If they are, they are wasting their time. All that they would get there would be clueless US officials exchanging cables (in times of internet) with their embassy staff around the world, discussing, confidentially, what is commonly known and openly written about in newspapers.

It doesn’t take ‘intellegence’ to know the kind of dope that Assange would give them:

“Top Secret: US Embassy at Tehran to Washington: Iran may be on to something. Our sources saw a masseur going into the Presidential compound. Kindly advise further action…..”

(A return cable from Washington, three days later) “Hire that masseur. Independent verification shows he is good. We hinted to NYT that Iran is on to something. The idiots read too much into the tip and published a front page scoop naming un-named sources in foreign office that Iran has already tested a nuclear device of unknown power. Try to limit the damage in your private talks with the authorities in Iran. Convey our private apologies. We will, however, not confirm or deny the reports here. Chio.”

This sort of intelligence gathering does not lead to world wars, even of the Saddam kind. In fact, with the Saddam fiasco, all dictators have lost appetite for stupid ‘satellite / cable / channel’ wars, where they are sure to lose, whatever they do. No one is likely to succeed where even masters like Comical Ali failed to win laughs or audience sympathy.

Doomsday would have had a salutary effect on World Economy, which seems to have become a problem child, always seeking attention. The cockroaches, the most likely survivors of any medium sized doomsday, would have cared two hoots for New York Exchange, or the right rate for the dollar. It would also have solved the dilemma over EU, which has been exercising the minds of Europeans since the time of Napoleon.

Meanwhile, the kids can be given following essay topics to keep them occupied: What I will do on the Doomsday, or, What I will tell God when I reach heaven on Doomsday. They just might come up with something remotely funny. As for me, I give up on this article, which seems to be going nowhere, just like our world.

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