Doomsday scenario: Invitation to a picnic

The following advertisement, published a few days ago, had caught my attention:

“The Extreme Right Wing Association invites likeminded people for a Doomsday picnic on 21st December, 2012.

The interested people may contact xxxxx at xxxxx for bookings.

Kindly note, the seats are limited and there shall be a selection process, the details of which will be made available on request.

Needy candidates may apply for a fee waiver, along with a lack-of-income certificate.”

I contacted xxxxx, and applied for the picnic, with the sole aim of getting to know what mischief was afoot.

In hindsight, it was a big mistake. I seriously believe my doomsday is likely to be earlier than the date of the picnic.

The ERW Association is rightly named – it is far too much to the right of sanity. It is a collection of hard boiled devotees of all major gods of the world. Their passion and faith brooks no logic or argument. (Incidentally, that was the first test in a series to determine the suitability of the candidate for the picnic – but more of that later.)

The location of their headquarter is New York city, near the UN building. But they have branches all over the world.

They have adequate finances – and are patronized by the dictators and the democratic leaders alike.

But enough of the organization. Let’s come to the picnic part.

The organization has faith in the ultimate destruction of mankind, but is not too sure of the Mayan-calendar-end date. So that the members may not feel too let down by a non-event on the D-date, the leaders of the organization felt that a picnic would be good diversion to keep the flock happy and together on a potentially important date.

The process of selection of candidates is on, but I have found that the quotas for major religions are already full, and only some seats are left for the people of religions like Zoroastrian, Babhai, Navajo, Candomble, Chinese Folk Religion, Dayak, Eskimo and Cheremis and some for the new religions such as Cao Dai, Ikuantao, Wicca, and Scientology.

What the association plans for this picnic is interesting. There shall be hate speeches, suicide bombing shows from around the world (this shall be organized live and will be seen on giant TV monitors), workshops to exchange ideas on worst social practices, bonfire with burning of bleeding-heart liberals (or their effigies, I presume), gladiatorial shows and many other such activities.

Provision has thoughtfully been kept for celebrating the unlikely event of a real Doomsday happening on that date, with permission to picnickers to indulge in rape and murder in non-picnic areas.

My trouble started when I passed the first test – that of believing passionately in the existence of God. The second test, to demonstrate my hatred for the non-believers was also almost up-to the mark. It was the third paper where I did poorly – where they test your hatred for people of other religion.

I got a call from xxxxx, when the result of the third paper was declared.

“Are you a phoney or something,” he accused, angrily.

“W..Why?” I asked.

“For a person who is supposed to be such a passionate believer, how come you say you can tolerate other religions?” he asked.

I had no answer to that one. From then on I was a suspect in the eyes of the organization.

By now I know too much about them – but that is not my fault. After I did well in the first test, they sent me lots of catalogs about their work around the world, and their plans for the future. They had jumped the gun – the barrel of which is now pointing directly at my skull.

I now have to prove my innocence – just like the Afghan youths, or the Congo tribals caught in the middle of a civil war – by doing something bad to a person of another religion. And bad here does not mean throwing ink on their white robes.

So you see where I am stuck? If I fail, I am doomed, and if I succeed, Interpol will start writing a notice on a recycled paper about me and would paint its corners red.

Two things I have not yet understood. One, why these fellows from the association do not dislike the Interpol – in fact they flaunt their red-corner painted notices with sheer pride. And two, why they like each other so much – they never harm members of a right wing, even if they are not from their bloody religion. In fact, how do they work with each other so well.

Most of the members of Extreme Right Wing are looking forward to the picnic on 21st December. To confess, I am too – if only to ensure that I survive to see the Doomsday.

***

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About Abhishek

I will let the blog speak for itself...or, at times, for me. View all posts by Abhishek

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