Why this damn blog doesn’t take off: Top ten reasons.

It is not a little surprising that this blog, with its awesome content, hasn’t taken off yet. Serious enquiry into the matter, backed by five minutes of concentrated thought, has revealed some reasons, which I submit for the use and caution of fellow bloggers:

1. Aliens have infiltrated the web: While the content of this blog doesn’t discuss matters related to the frontiers of scientific thought, it also does not target a sub-human intelligence. I believe, though I do not have proof as of now, that species other than homo sapiens have infiltrated the web. Since this species are sub-human in intelligence, they can only appreciate things like Angry Birds and Kolavari Di.

2. The blog is not about Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga or Paris Hilton: Or, for that matter, Kim Kardashian, Katy Perry or Lindsay Lohan. Anything on the net which does not directly relate to these awesome people, is doomed. I shall seriously look into this matter, beginning with this blog entry.

3. There is no porn or erotica on this site: This is suicidal. Basically shy by nature, I have so far avoided this serious genre, but I know I shall have to work on my attitude to rectify this short-coming.

4. The site doesn’t assist in piracy: Now what is the use of a web-site that does not, in the name of freedom on the web, assist people in downloading latest music and games, movies and software?

5. Zionist-Stalinist-Capitalist conspiracy: For once these three top conspiratorial forces have come together to thwart my effort to make the world a better place, a world where everyone is equal, a world where there are no disparities, a world where…..You get my point (a world where I am popular and rich).

6. I do not pamper potential readers by liking their posts: I would, believe me, do that, day in and day out, had I got time to do so. It does take time to write the stuff that I post, besides doing all the things that I have to do to keep alive. I shall, from now on, post the most well-considered, most powerful comment on each blog that I visit, which is, “Awesome”.

7. I do not ask questions: People do not want to know, they want to tell. (The same is the case with me, but then, on this blog, I can assume that that is ok.) So, instead of posting information and other content, I shall ask for it. In the poetry section, for example, I shall say… “What is the best line you ever wrote? Please do tell…” rather than “The ferocious beast that doth trod……” or some such rot.

8. I do not pay for getting this stuff on the web: Now you may think that the web is free, but it is not. All the ecommerce business has taken over the place, and even wordpress will not allow ‘Plugins’ unless it is a paid blog. And without ‘Plugins’, whatever they are, you are doomed. Believe me, I am told the aliens love the sites which have these plugin-thingies.

9. The people have polarized themselves into two camps, and I cater to neither of them: The world has polarized itself into the religious (here there are numerous subdivisions- the Guru-chelas, the spiritualists, the dooms-dayers, the ‘true’ sects, the hate-others, the terrorists…) and the profane (here there is unity – all are one – they all watch porn).

Now, I know I will have to choose sides. And I will have to be loud about it. If I align myself with the second group, I would have to do things that Sunny Leone does. If I am with the first bunch, I have to scream and kick up a row. I will have to tell the world what the non-believers are doing, and why they shall rot in the everlasting hell (in great salacious detail) and why I shall, with my brethren, be drinking honeyed wine in heaven few years from now.

10. People want to buy things: They do not like being free loaders. Awesome ads, targeted audiences on the social media sites and celebrity endorsements are all that I need. I think I may have to convert this site to a paid one, where I charge in dollars for you people to read this stuff. And I know you shall do so. Just consider this list from a research by the Pew Research Centre (2011):

 

Usage

% of adult internet users in the U.S. who do this online
1 Use a search engine to find information 92
2 Send or read e-mail 91
3 Look for information online about a service or product 78
4 Get news 76
5 Go online just for fun or to pass the time ((you know how)) 74
6 Buy a product 71
7 Watch a video on a video-sharing site like YouTube or Vimeo 71
8 Look for “how-to,” “do-it-yourself” or repair information 68
9 Use an online social networking site like Facebook 64
10 Pay to access or download digital content online 43
11 Download music, other files to your computer 37
12 Play online games 36
13 Read someone else’s online journal or blog 32
14 Look for religious/spiritual info 32
15 Post comments to an online news group, website, blog or photo site 32

(The Pew people are coy; they do not mention the smut and piracy as the top draws. Everyone knows that it is so, so probably they assumed it as said. Also notice that Item no 13 and 15 are the same set of people, keeping each other happy by posting ‘awesome’.)

My eyes have been opened by this deep research (it took full 5 minutes of research, followed by 5 minutes of deep thinking, interrupted though this process was, due to a game of Angry Birds). Let the message go down to the fellow bloggers.

The message is (in case it has not become clear yet) – leave a like at the bottom of this page, and do visit again. Bye.

***

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About Abhishek

I will let the blog speak for itself...or, at times, for me. View all posts by Abhishek

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