Top news of the day in India – Have the humorists taken over?

It is no fun being a humor writer if the mainstream media takes over your job, aided and abetted by the newsmakers. If today (28.3.2012) be taken as a sample, the top news items give little scope for creating a bigger laugh. Still, let’s try to get behind the lines, and see if there is any further scope for improvement.

 

Army General drops letter bomb: Says Army tanks are running out of ammunition, air defence is going obsolete, the infantry is operating without critical weapons and the nation’s security is threatened. (Hindustan Times)

 

1. World must be a safer place than we thought – an army of one of the largest military power in the world operates without ammunition.
2. India’s relations with Pakistan and China must be better than what we thought – we have an amazing amount of confidence in our neighbors not knowing all this and not attacking us.
3. Commissions in the purchase of ammunitions must be increased forthwith – or no one is interested in buying them.
4. Top levels of government still depend on the postal system for communication – bodes well for the postal department, but does not reflect well on the performance of telephone exchange.

 

Free medical treatment to all, says Akhilesh Yadav: Uttar Pradesh (UP) Chief Minister Akhilesh Yadav today promised that his government would provide free medical treatment  to the poor. (Economic Times) This comes after the promises of free laptops and computers to those passing class tenth, unemployment grants….

1. UP, one of the poorest regions of the world (not only the country) has suddenly found a treasure trove. Or maybe Sultan of Brunei has adopted Akhilesh…
2. UP has found a new revenue model – but will not tell. It is a political/commercial secret.
3. Read carefully – UP expects that no one will pass tenth, so no laptops; poverty line will be defined in such a manner that no one will be poor – so no free treatment; no one will be left employable, so no question of unemployment grant.
4. Akhilesh has greater faith in the Central government to fund him than anyone else.

 

India to become world’s largest economy by 2050: Wealth Report 2012 by Knight Frank & Citi Private Bank. China will overtake US by 2020 and India will overtake China by 2050. (Daily Bhaskar)

 

1. In this age of blind faith, we can believe in one more Guru – Knight Frank & Citi Private Bank. How much harm can one more religion cause?
2. “In the long term, we are all dead,” thought Frank, and wrote his report. “Meanwhile, it will spread cheer among billions of people who constitute this overpopulated region,” he told Citi Private Bank and smiled kindly.
3. “It was part of an internal competition for best fiction writers in the bank, but it was accidently released as report. We apologize for any happiness that it may have caused,” clarified Spokesman for Citi Private Bank.
4. Indian government invites Knight Frank to become its chief economic advisor. “Frankly, we want more such opinion before the polls,” government spokesman told the media in New Delhi today.

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